The mere idea of sexual mismatches can be a very sensitive topic for many couples, yet communicating about this is essential to foster a healthy and fulfilling relationship. Nonetheless many couples avoid such conversations. We know that communication is the key, yet we do not want to pick it up, why is that? Why are sexual mismatches painful to even think about?

Many people believe that if their partner is the right one, everything will align. If something does not go smoothly, most probably it’s not the right person. In this line of thinking, when there is a sexual mismatch, instead of analyzing it and trying to learn how to deal with it, people unconsciously want to ignore it. After all, if we don’t match sexually, can we really be a match? The short answer is yes, we can be a very good match even if we do not fully match sexually, but we certainly need a certain level of awareness. Let’s normalize the sexual mismatches, try to see what exactly hurts about them and get ready for an open conversation.

Nobody matches 100%

Sexual diversity is part of our nature. Each of us is unique, so the mismatches are inevitable. If you engage into a very open conversation with your partner, you most probably will hear something that you yourself cannot relate to and would not like to engage into. That is totally fine and happens to the vast majority of couples.

In fact, I have never heard of a single couple that matches 100% in their sexual likes and preferences. Although I have certainly met couples who thought they matched 100%, but eventually came to realize that:

• One or both of them did not feel comfortable to fully disclose themselves
• Their sexuality was still very repressed, they simply did not know certain things about themselves and just followed the common sexual script
• One of the partners very codependently adapted to the other’s needs

If that is true and nobody really matches 100% in their preferences, how come we are so sensitive about the mismatches and why do they often cause so much trouble in a relationship?

It’s not the mismatch that hurts, but what it triggers

If you look at it a bit deeper, it’s not really the mismatches that cause the tension in the relationship. When we bring the mismatches to our awareness, this awareness does not come alone - it often triggers our insecurities related to relationships. So the focus should be on how safe and secure we feel in our relationships.
The problem is that our brain does not like the discomfort of facing insecurities. In fact, it very efficiently, through various defense mechanisms, switches the attention somewhere else. It is pretty challenging to actually get in touch with our insecurities. For example, some people worry that they can never be enough for their partner. Some small details, like mismatching sexual preferences, may trigger this dysfunctional belief about themselves. Now if they have done enough work at therapy (or overall are gifted with good self-reflexion), that will not cause immense suffering. They will understand that a painful belief about themselves was triggered by the mismatch and will find a way to soothe themselves or look for comfort in their partner. But if a person has not had the privilege of learning more about their inner cognitive processes, this may be too painful of a trigger to handle. In such cases the brain will ignore that the pain is caused by the painful beliefs about oneself or fears related to relationships. The whole attention will...